The vision of my suicide

b0057945184b3dee8b9f7c916f9a447f

Standing on the edge
The feeling of death
Of defeat
Hanging by a thread
Dangling by the head
The hate
The love
Impossible
Incomprehensible
The pain of the death
Ringing in my head
I could see the blood
Dripping from my bed
The knife in my hand
Soaked in blood
My head dangling from my neck
I knew it was time
I did it
I have succeded
Now, there I lay
In a pool of my own blood………….

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The shizophrenic journal »the rape

Sitting on the edge bed, I reminised about the good times while trying to block the bad stuff out, so I thought to write it all down.

******

It all started seven years ago, I was nine years old then; it was at this time that I was raped by an older female friend of mine. She was one of my closest friends (she still is, tthough we never talk about what happened that day)

On the fateful day, she led me to her house, in her room; there she laid me on the bed and started doing strange sexual things to me. I protested, saying it wasn’t right, I didn’t know anything about sex, I was innocent and pure. She insisted, pinning me to the bed, she took off my shorts and underwear.
I was erect by this time and it sickened me that I was having an erection while in a situation as such.

She took off her pink panties, climbed on top of me, sliding my (it feels weird to say this) penis into her vagina while I just laid there like a log of wood, I liked her but I didn’t want this, at least not in this way. All I wanted was her friendship.

She started moving up and down on me, moaning softly as she gained tempo. She kept up the pace, thrusting harder each time, crushing me under her weight.
Weird enough, I reached orgasm, it was strange because I didn’t know what was happening to me.
I thought it was urine, so I told her I was about to urinate, but she was too engrossed to notice in her “monkey dance” on top of me to notice, So I decided to just let go.

After a series of the up and down movement she was doing on me, she also reached orgasm, it was so intense I was slightly jealous of her.

She looked into my eyes and with a stern look and intimidating voice she said to me right in my ear “don’t tell anyone, no one can know about this”.

Hozier Calls Out Pope Francis On Hypocrisy, Says Church Offers Excuse For Homophobia

rainbow-flag-gay-rights-007

Originally posted on kitodiaries.

“This is one of the paradoxes
and weird hypocrisy of that
organization. The Pope came
out last year and said who am I
to judge with regards to
somebody’s sexual orientation?
But I think it is important to
differentiate between lip
service towards something and
actually making change. I think
it is hopeful, but saying this in
2015, ‘Who am I to judge?’ is
something that should have
been said 100 years ago. I think
there’s a difference when actual
doctrine changes and policy
changes – but it’s still
undeniably an organization that
has institutionalized an aversion
to homosexuality. In my view,
that is why I was driven to write
‘Take Me to Church’ — I think
the church provides an excuse
for homophobia.”

— Pop star Hozier, who has a massive hit
last year with Take Me to Church, told Larry
King that Pope Francis is a hypocrite on
LGBT issues and utters pro-gay soundbites
while changing little.

personal lgbt stories

Blog_Kizito Speaks

Originally posted on lgbt foundation.

Michael

An attractive man started talking to me on a
night out and invited me to his hotel. I
arranged to meet him in the club but he never
showed up. When I went home the next day I
found my bank card was missing from my
wallet and also my iPhone had gone. £1,000
was taken from my account and when I
reported it to the police I never thought it
might be a homophobic crime.

The LGBT Liason Officer I spoke to was very
helpful and sympathetic and then I spoke to
G.A.L.O.P who were even more helpful.*
I probably won’t see the money again and they
may never catch the man who robbed me but
the whole experience and the support I
received has made me much more conscious
about how I behave on a night out,
how much I drink and to be aware of my own
personal safety.

It’s important to say that even if you think you
may be judged for what you are doing and
where you are, the police are only interested
in the crime that has been committed against
you.
I believe that what happened to me was
homophobically motivated and that’s why I
think it is important to report any incident you
feel may be a homophobic incident as only
then can the police be made aware of what is
happening in a specific area and then try to do
something about it. It certainly has made me
more aware and on my guard in future.

David

I’m not sure exactly when I realised I was gay.
It’s not as if you’re an official homosexual,
here’s your certificate. Everyone’s ‘coming out’
experiences are different.

My name is David, I am now 15 and I live in
Withington. Being gay has been one of the
most difficult experiences of my life so far. It
was hard to come to terms with, something I
have had to do completely by myself.
It has been a very lonely process; at times I’ve
felt like everyone is against me. I’ve felt
isolated, I sometimes don’t know how to deal
with things. I tried to talk to my teacher about
the bullying but she just didn’t want to know.
She said I should talk to my parents about it
but they are both very religious, there was no
way I could talkto them about it. It is an
agonising feeling so alone, it’s no surprise I
sometimes hurt myself.

Once at school this lad was bullying me, the
usual stuff; faggot, queer, uphill-gardener, I
was so stressed that the teacher didn’t do
anything that I punched him. I ended up getting
into trouble for that. I can’t wait until next year
when I’ll be out of this place. I just can’t talk to
anyone. I feel insecure and unprotected. I think
if it was just talked about that would make it
easier.
A lot of the homophobia is just ignorance, by
both the teachers and the pupils. I just wish I
could be ‘out’ and respected for who I am.
Schools need to act to make sure that gay
students get the respect they need to feel safe
and secure.

Text reproduced by kind permission of LGYM
(Lesbian and Gay Youth Manchester)

Brian

I teach as an openly gay man at a Manchester
High School, in my first six weeks there I came
out to a year 8 class where I had witnessed
verbal and physical homophobia and embryonic
queer bashing. Later some of the students
knocked on my door with either a sweet or a
piece of work or simply to ask if I was ok? None
of them mentioned the outing. They didn’t
need to. A tiny step had been taken.

Three years later, I still challenge homophobia
in the classroom and on the corridor, but now I
am regularly asked by students in a sincere way
about my experiences as an out gay man. I
don’t underestimate the potential difficulties I
may meet from the parents of such children,
but I am an optimist. A gay Jew born in the
same year of Hitler’s death has to be.
Throughout my time at School I’ve had amazing
support from the head and the Senior
Management Team, in fact I made it a
condition of my employment at the school that
I taught as an open gay man.

Zoe

I teach at Trinity CofE High School, Manchester
– an inner-city school with a mixed intake in
terms of ability and ethnicity. Three yeats ago I
decided to deliver a scheme of work on
homophobic bullying to my then year 9 tutor
group.

My decision to raise potentially ‘hazardous’
topics for discussion with year nine pupils was
based on two issues in my form at the time.
One was a case of unpleasant bullying directed
at two ‘quieter’ boys and the other was the
casual use of homophobic ‘slang’ in everyday
language.

My own form was culturally mixed,
including pupils from Nigerian, Caribbean and
Muslim families and I knew that for some
pupils, this would be a difficult area to explore.
All parents were informed and happily, no
pupils were withdrawn from the lessons.
The series of three lessons were extremely
worthwhile and all pupils took part in a variety
of activities which included brainstorming all
the slang words they know for various sexual
orientations and considering their effects when
directed at people (the most worrying was
‘pedo’ for homosexual) and discussions around
current news/media stories e.g. homophobia in
rap music, the ‘Todd’ storyline in Coronation
Street and homosexuality in the church.
Naturally there were extremes of opinion –
some based on religious grounds and others on
‘macho’ peer pressure. Some pupils were
openminded about individual sexual
orientation and felt strongly that it should not
influence how we are judged by others and a
few pupils felt unable to discuss these issues at
all.

Despite these differences, pupils were
regularly reassured that we were not discussing
rights or wrongs and that there are a lot of
external pressures which can give us
prejudices. All pupils came to the final
conclusion that despite our personal beliefs,
homophobic bullying is just as unacceptable as
any other form of bullying.
I didn’t pretend to eradicate use of
homophobic language but I do feel that by
raising awareness of a serious issue, small but
positive steps were made towards pupils
becoming more tolerant and respectful of our
differences and individuality.

beyonce accused of abandoning gays in time of need

rainbow-flag-gay-rights-007

Originally posted on kitodiaries.

At least one Houston man is not happy with
Beyoncé right now.
HuffPo blogger Carlos Maza claims it “kills
him” to write it (a huffingtonpost article
titled Beyoncé Ignored the LGBT
Community in Houston), especially since
he’s “spent more time worshiping Beyoncé
than just about any other pop star,” but he
is incredibly disappointed in the singer, and
he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to forgive
her.
“Over the past few months,” Maza writes,
“Beyoncé has repeatedly refused the
opportunity to speak out against the
legalization of discrimination against LGBT
people in her hometown.”
He’s talking about the Houston Equal Rights
Ordinance (HERO), which prohibited
discrimination in matters of housing and
employment on the basis of more than a
dozen different characteristics, including
sexual orientation and gender identity. On
Tuesday, Houston voters choose to repeal
that law, effectively legalizing
discrimination.
In his nearly 1,500-word rant, Maza calls
into question Beyoncé’s alleged support of
her LGBTQ fans. He begins by writing about
the time he called upon her to “make a
single Instagram post in support of HERO”
in a blog post he published back in August.
“With fifty million followers, she has one of
the most influential social media presences
in the world,” Maza writes. “A single post
from her would have motivated young
voters to the polls, focused national
attention on the fight over HERO, and
dramatically reframed the narrative.”
The hashtag #BeyBeAHERO was established
to encourage the singer to get involved. It
received more than 10 million impressions.
“But despite repeated requests for help
from HERO supporters in Houston,” Maza
says. “Beyoncé declined to comment.”
Instead, he continues, “I watched her post
images from her Vogue cover shoot.”
Over the next several weeks, Maza waited
with bated breath for Beyoncé to post her
support of HERO to Instagram. But the post
never came.
“One night, I found myself lying on the
grass in a park by my apartment,
distraught,” he recalls. “I had done
everything I knew how to do to get
Beyoncé’s team to react. I had bugged
every reporter friend, forwarded every
press hit, tweeted incessantly. I had given it
my best shot. And I was starting to feel like
a failure.”
“On Instagram,” he writes, “I watched
Beyoncé post a photo of a pizza.”
When HERO was voted down on Tuesday,
Maza says it was “probably one of hardest
things I’ve had to experience.” He was left
“devastated,” and that devastation was only
made worse by what Beyoncé did next.
“On Instagram, I watched a video of
Beyoncé posing silently in front of an
American flag,” he writes. “I can’t believe
she didn’t say something.”
“Beyoncé had a golden opportunity to
oppose an active effort to legalize
discrimination against LGBT Houstonians,”
he continues. “It wouldn’t have taken more
than a single Instagram post.”

“She didn’t.”

a piece of my mind ~ religion

Ryan Gentles 01

According to google.

religion – /rɪˈlɪdʒ(ə)n/
noun
1. the belief in and worship of a superhuman
controlling power, especially a personal God or
gods.

wikipaedia. defines religion as such.

There are numerous definitions of religion
and only a few are stated here. The typical
dictionary definition of religion refers to a
“belief in, or the worship of, a god or
gods” or the “service and worship of God
or the supernatural”. However, writers
and scholars have expanded upon the “belief
in god” definitions as insufficient to capture
the diversity of religious thought and
experience.
Peter Mandaville and Paul James define
religion as “a relatively-bounded system of
beliefs, symbols and practices that addresses
the nature of existence, and in which
communion with others and Otherness is
lived as if it both takes in and spiritually
transcends socially-grounded ontologies of
time, space, embodiment and knowing”.
This definition is intended, they write, to get
away from the modernist dualisms or
dichotomous understandings of immanence/
transcendence, spirituality/materialism, and
sacredness/secularity.

Edward Burnett Tylor defined religion as
“the belief in spiritual beings”. He
argued, back in 1871, that narrowing the
definition to mean the belief in a supreme
deity or judgment after death or idolatry
and so on, would exclude many peoples
from the category of religious, and thus “has
the fault of identifying religion rather with
particular developments than with the
deeper motive which underlies them”. He
also argued that the belief in spiritual beings
exists in all known societies.

The anthropologist Clifford Geertz defined
religion as a “system of symbols which acts
to establish powerful, pervasive, and long-
lasting moods and motivations in men by
formulating conceptions of a general order
of existence and clothing these conceptions
with such an aura of factuality that the
moods and motivations seem uniquely
realistic.” Alluding perhaps to Tylor’s
“deeper motive”, Geertz remarked that “we
have very little idea of how, in empirical
terms, this particular miracle is
accomplished. We just know that it is done,
annually, weekly, daily, for some people
almost hourly; and we have an enormous
ethnographic literature to demonstrate it”.
The theologian Antoine Vergote also
emphasized the “cultural reality” of religion,
which he defined as “the entirety of the
linguistic expressions, emotions and, actions
and signs that refer to a supernatural being
or supernatural beings”; he took the term
“supernatural” simply to mean whatever
transcends the powers of nature or human
agency.

The sociologist Durkheim, in his seminal
book The Elementary Forms of the Religious
Life, defined religion as a “unified system of
beliefs and practices relative to sacred
things”. By sacred things he meant things
“set apart and forbidden—beliefs and
practices which unite into one single moral
community called a Church, all those who
adhere to them”. Sacred things are not,
however, limited to gods or spirits.
On the contrary, a sacred thing can be “a
rock, a tree, a spring, a pebble, a piece of
wood, a house, in a word, anything can be
sacred”. Religious beliefs, myths, dogmas
and legends are the representations that
express the nature of these sacred things,
and the virtues and powers which are
attributed to them.

In his book The Varieties of Religious
Experience, the psychologist William James
defined religion as “the feelings, acts, and
experiences of individual men in their
solitude, so far as they apprehend
themselves to stand in relation to whatever
they may consider the divine”. By the
term “divine” James meant “any object that
is god like, whether it be a concrete deity or
not” to which the individual feels
impelled to respond with solemnity and
gravity.

But my definition of religion is as such “a group of people with conflicting views coming together to inflict humans with pain, surffering”. I am a christian currently worshiping at a protestant church, but I can’t turn a blind eye to the disgrace christianity has turned into.

Religion has drifted away from what it was supposed to be,causing conflict,wars and the likes.
Christianity being the leading religion in the world has become the biggest disgrace,which prompted the pope to come out to call the death of jesus “a failure”.

If the world is to change,if peace is to return to the world then religion has to be what it was created to be “a group of people with love,tolerance,acceptance and common belief”.
I have hope , but this hope seems to be useless.

a piece of my mind

Blog_The +++ Journals 02

People say things happen for a reason, they say God would never give a person more than they can bear.
They say he is a merciful God, he loves his creation, he wants the best for us.

People will tell you to hold on to faith, hold on to hope.
Hope and have faith that God would help you, he would never let you fall into the hands of the evil one.

But I ask, who is evil. The one who created the world and all the evil in it, or the one who exploits the evil created.

In my mind they are all but the same.
They all are evil, they all are cruel.

O my heart bleeds

My heart is broken

A million and one pieces

I find.

Who can mend my heart

Who can heal my soul

When the creator himself despises me

Wants my head on a platter

Want my blood on his lips

Want my flesh in his teeth

I cry, I weep

No sound

No help.

God has always been painted as an all powerful and merciful entity, who wants what is best for us. Who wants to see us blossom in his goodness, but one thing we forget is the question of how someone will love a person so much that he will “prepare a table before us in the presence of our enemies (in hell)” if we make just one mistake.

God has always been painted as a very good entity who is ready to forgive us.
But there is a catch, especially for the lgbt persons.
we must either be celibate or try to conform to a gender we know nothing about. If God is some all powerful entity who doesn’t make mistakes, then why would he “clearly” make the mistake of making “marred” creations.

O God, the “great one”

How can you make

the mistake

Of making me

Of making crap

O God, the “all powerful one”

“If” u made me, “if”

Only if u made

Then save me,

Save me from this hell

Save me from this life

Save me from me.